No-Contact Mother's Day Blog

Coping With the Pain of No-Contact on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day can be an extremely difficult holiday, especially if you no longer have a healthy relationship with your mother. For those of you, who have decided to go no-contact, it can be extremely difficult to watch other people celebrating with their mother. You may even still long for your mother in some ways. Here are some tips to help you cope with Mother’s Day if you have a toxic mother.

1) Create meaning.  It’s important that you interpret what Mother’s Day, or any holiday for that matter – means to you. It’s easy to go along with the commercial meaning of the holiday – buying mom flowers, taking her out to brunch, and perhaps even giving a fancy gift. In other words, express love with material gifts. Reconfigure the meaning of Mother’s Day to what works for you. Perhaps it’s just a normal day, a commercialized day that’s overrated, or a day that you celebrate other moms in your life, or a day where you observe the loss of your mother. You decide what works for you.

2) Be authentic and true to yourself. As you reflect on going no-contact with your mother, recognize that this is what is needed for you to thrive in your life at this time. Going no-contact is your way of self-preservation, so that you are able to be the best version of yourself that you can be without having to endure abuse or negativity from someone who is supposed to love you and have your best interest at heart.

3) Recognize you don’t have control over who your parents are. You don’t control over the family that you are born into. Thus, you may have to endure a lot from your mom until you become a legal adult. We develop strategies to survive a toxic parent as children. However, when you become an independent adult, you can consciously choose to cut your toxic parent out of your life. You can replace your toxic mother with a maternal figure, who is emotionally healthy, and fulfills your need for a mom.

4) Decide what a mother is to you. This is another area where you get to interpret what a mother means to you. Figure out how you define a mom and assign the appropriate role accordingly. You may even decide to take denounce the title of “mother” from your own biological mother and give her another title such “the woman who birthed me.”

5) Create a positive space for yourself. Recognize and understand that Mother’s Day is only temporary, and that it will be over in a matter of hours. Plan ahead of time how you want to spend your day. Maybe you would like to stay off social media, or perhaps you want to spend the day pampering yourself, or spend it celebrating other mother’s in your life.

6) Mourn the idea of the mother you lost. A lot of times when people reminisce about their narcissist mother, they often think of the potential of that parent. Romanticizing what characteristics your parent should have had is not uncommon. Instead of fantasizing about the person your mother should have been, write down the positive traits that you wish she had, and use that to identify an alternate maternal figure for yourself.

7) Reflect on what your mother missed out on with you. When you have a narcissistic parent, they spend a lot of time trying to change you or convince you to be something different. Instead of doing that, create a list of all the things that you accomplished. You are a survivor and a thriver, among other things. Your mother really lost a huge opportunity to be a part of your life. List the qualities and accomplishments that you are proud of. Ask others what they admire or like about you if you feel stuck.

8) Practice forgiveness. Forgiving isn’t for everyone. However, when you forgive someone, you let go of the idea that they owe you something, and the feelings of resentment and contempt. Thus, by forgiving someone you no longer allow that person or the negative feelings that you have about that person to take control over you. So forgiveness, is releasing the power that your mother had, and thus you are reclaiming your life back.

Mother’s Day can be difficult for you if you are going no contact. However, by making a conscious effort to take care of yourself and move on, the pain decreases over time. While it may be difficult to be at peace with your decision to go no-contact, recognize that you made the decision to preserve the quality of your life.

To watch the video version of this blog, please visit A Date With Darkness’ YouTube channel. This blog is also available on www.adatewithdarkness.com. Please also see the quick reference guide below for a reminder of tips and suggestions. 

Copyright © 2019 Dr. Natalie Jones, PsyD, LPCC

Disclaimer: Please note that this blog is not meant to be substituted for treatment with a licensed mental health professional. Please also note, that recommendations don’t apply to everyone or every situation. This blog is educational content only.

Infographic for No Contact on Mother's day

Quick reference guide for ways to honor going no-contact with your mom on Mother’s Day.

Fighting for Divorce and Custody With the Narcissist, Featuring Steven Peskind, Esq.


A Date With Darkness Podcast is hosted by Dr. Natalie Jones, Psyd, LPCC, a licensed psychotherapist in California. Join Dr. Jones for an intimate discussion about the effects of abuse and healing from relationship trauma. 

Steven Peskind, Esq. owner of Peskind Law Firm in IL, joins us today for a candid conversation on his expertise in divorce law. Mr. Peskind shares how complicated things get when trying to divorce a narcissistic spouse. He explains how toxic spouses would rather spend more money engaging in high conflict battles over assets, custody, and visitation rights rather than coming to a peaceful resolution. Lastly, Mr. Peskind discusses red flags of divorces that have the potential to have grave consequences.

*Please note: Information provided episode is considered to be educational information and suggestions. It may not be suitable for everyone, and the information provided should not be substituted for treatment with a licensed mental health practitioner.

Books Mentioned:

Divorce in Illinois, by Steven N. Peskind

The Laws of Human Nature, by Robert Greene

To connect with attorney Steven Peskind, Esq., visit: his website
Facebook: @peskindlawfirm
For the video version of this podcast please visit: A Date With Darkness Youtube Channel

Email questions/comments/suggestions to Dr. Jones at adatewithdarkness@gmail.com
Visit the website for more information: https://www.adatewithdarkness.com
Let’s keep the conversation going via social media:
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Twitter: @Adatewdarkness
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To connect with others who are seeking support from hurtful and abusive relationships please join the Facebook group: A Date With Darkness group

Check out this episode!

Succeeding While Black: 11 Tips for Combatting Microaggression in the Workplace

African American woman combatting microaggression in the workplace.

Succeeding While Black: 11 Tips for African Women to Combat Microaggression in the Workplace

As mentioned in the previous blog, microaggression against black women in the workplace is a very common occurrence. There are many African American women who are suffering in silence when they go to work due to the toxic nature of a microaggressive environment. They struggle with being offended against, are in fear of losing their job, lack of support, and feeling unappreciated for the hours of work that they put in with their employer. Frustrations and tension can run high in African American women who struggle to understand how to deal with microaggression, especially if others around them are ignorant to what’s going on or if they refuse to believe indiscretions are taking place. The following are tips and suggestions on how to deal with microaggression in the workplace.

1) Assess your goals for your job. The first step in combatting microaggression is to think about what your goals are for your current job. What position do you want in your job? How important is this job to you? Do you want to promote within the company? Determining your job’s current value to you will help you to decide how much to emotionally invest in your workplace atmosphere. If your job is short-term and of little significance, then it wouldn’t be to your advantage to emotionally invest your energy.

2) Let go of the idea of being liked or accepted. Understanding that everyone isn’t going to like or accept you for who you are is very freeing. You may be everyone’s cup of tea – and that’s okay. Recognize that the only person you need to be fully accepted by, is yourself. It is not necessary for you to have a seat at everyone’s table. Furthermore, while it is nice to be liked by your peers, popularity is not a necessity to do your job effectively in most cases.

3) Pick your battles carefully. Some things are worth your time and others are not. It goes back to the emotional investment mentioned in #1. All ignorance doesn’t deserve moments of your time. There are some things that are better for you to let go.

4)  Be objective. It is easy to get fired up when people disrespect you. Who wouldn’t be upset over covert racism? However, as much as you can, try to remove your emotions out of what is happening (especially if you decide to proceed with the following steps), and just remember the facts of what happened. This will especially key if you escalate your issue to a higher authority. When you are objective, you are still able to describe how the incident(s) caused you to feel and impacted your life.

5) Document. Keep a record of indiscretions that are occurring. It helps to have documentation whenever possible. Documentation in the form of emails, voicemails, and other things that can be tracked can provide evidence of microaggression.

6) Higher education and more job experience. Having both traits go a long way. Education can never be taken away from you. Your experience is unique and adds to your perspective and your ability to do your job. Higher education and training can be difficult to dispute. Be confident about both qualities as you have worked hard, and there are times when your voice needs to be heard. Remind those that question your abilities of what you bring to the table.

7) Check-in with your supervisor or manager regularly. It helps to keep a running dialogue with your manager or supervisor about your work performance. Even with microaggressive leadership, ongoing meetings can be helpful and provide information about their attitude and their perception of your work quality and ethic. If the information provided is contradictory, it still provides useful information about leadership, your job role, and the next steps you should take with respect to your role within the company. It can be helpful to take notes during the meeting and email your notes afterwards to those who were present.

8) Connect with like-minded peers. Connecting with peers who are supportive and who have witnessed the microaggressions can help to alleviate stress. If you have peers that are trustworthy, utilize them to discuss the issue, and problem-solve how the issue can be addressed. There is strength in numbers.

9) Invest in mentorship or therapy. It is always helpful to have an objective support system. This can be provided in the form of a mentor or therapy. They provide support, feedback, suggestions, and help you with reality-testing and gauging the microaggressions. It is importance to find someone who is culturally sensitive to issues such as microaggressions and other common concerns of African American women.

10) De-stress. It is important to have ways in which you can decrease your stress both in/outside of your work. Finding ways to manage your stress at work can help to ease the tension so that you can get through the workday. Some examples of managing stress at work can include taking short-breaks, positive self-affirmations, talking to a peer, or listening to music. It’s also helpful to remember that you have an identity outside of work. Be sure to plan activities that you will look forward when you are done with work.

11) Talk to the person who is microaggressive. Explore this option only if you feel safe to do so. Sometimes, people can truly say things without truly meaning to be offensive or harmful to you. It may be an issue that can be rectified by discussing it with the person who was offensive.

12) Escalate your issue. If you are invested in your job, or you feel that the microaggressions which are committed against you have caused you a considerable amount of harm, then you should research and potentially escalate the issue to upper level management. When attempting to resolve the issue, information should be presented, and reported according to the appropriate person according to the chain of command. It’s also helpful to document dates, times, person’s you spoke with, the type of communication, and what was communicated, and why you reported the issue to the person that you reported it to. Should microaggression continue, or you are retaliated against, you may want to report the issue to an outside person, such as the governing body of your employer, corporate office, office of employment or labor board, or an attorney.

Disclaimer: This content was written for educational purposes only and is not meant to be definitive or utilized in place of therapy with a licensed professional. Each situation is unique and may not be applicable to every reader. Please use your discretion when using tips and suggestions in this article. This was written by Dr. Natalie Jones, PsyD, LPCC; and should not be reproduced without consent of the writer.

Black women succeeding and prevailing against microaggression in corporate America.

© 2019 Dr. Natalie Jones, PsyD, LPCC